The good news is the vision is getting more evident, but putting it into action is still a little fuzzy.
Let me remind myself what I want:
I want to make a sustainable living by telling stories visually that can support my family and me.
That's it.
That sounds simple enough.
I've got a ton of ideas on how to do it, but again, it's the doing it that I'm having challenges with right now.
What's the problem?
Self-doubt.
So I took a few good photos for Rock Rugby as a team photographer. A few parents liked them, but is this enough to try to build a career or business on?
I don't have a good track record with hare-brained ideas.
I majored in theatre in college to become the next Brad Pitt. Yeah, that worked out. I'm waiting for Quentin to call me to be in his last movie.
Then, there are the tangle projects I tried:
Lonely Planet, Secret of the Masters, DFW, Inspiration, and finally, Man of the House.
These were all movies or creative ideas I had that crashed and burned. One is still smoking.
Then there are the hundreds of uncompleted short stories and screenplays.
There are hundreds of photos that have never seen the light of day.
How many times have you tried to start a daily blog?
Then there are the personal failures like living the Carnivore lifestyle or being a devotee to Jesus' Sacred Heart.
Being a devotee of the Sacred Heart means attending Mass on the first Friday of every month.
And now, at the ripe old age of forty-four, you want to start a photography business, coupled with trying to do YouTube?
Plus, I've come to grips with the thought that I enjoy working for other people because I like a steady paycheck. And due to some lucky happenstances and work ethic, companies are willing to pay me good money for what I can do.
Then there's the reality of living the American dream that insists on a lot of spending and debt.
Now, my wife does have a good steady job. But, still, that's a lot of pressure to put on a person while I pursue my passion, especially when you have a track record like mine.
Hell, even in my eyes, it's like renting your home to a renter with no one but four home evictions.
So yeah, trust me, there's a lot of self-doubt in my head right now.
I'm even afraid to post this right now, but this is the only thing pouring out of me right now.
I guess that's the discipline of it. Or maybe I won't post it.
My blog doesn't get many views anyway, so maybe it's like telling a Universe that's at thirteen point eight billion years old that I exist and the universe responding, "what's that got to do with me?"
My only solace while writing this post is a meme I read years ago.
It was a meme listing Abraham Lincoln's many failures and successes.
The weird thing is I read a lot about Lincoln when I was a kid. I thought I knew everything there was to know about him by the sixth grade, but then I ran into this meme as an adult.
It blew my mind at the time because I had never put all of Lincoln's career in perspective.
If Lincoln's failures didn't define him, why should mine define me?
